Ch 1. You are a Masterpiece

I don't like melodrama. Real life has plenty of upheaval. So, asking my legs to be broken is the last thing I even want to think about. My body is broken as is - weak, sick, fragile. I've never felt free with my body since the 2nd grade when I could not breathe freely. Thursday I went to get 90 minute massage thanks to a friend. A luxury I could never afford in this marriage. So, to leave with unbearable pain on my hip from massage was basically the black comedy I've been living out for years. Just the sub title, and I'm already onto my struggle with constant sickness, lack of freedom with my own body that which houses my soul and strange poverty that came along marriage. But, that's not what I want to dwell on. These aspects of my life are what I want to glance at so that I can move on forward with life that I'd like to design. I've always managed and adjusted with whatever thrown at me. Whether it be sleeping without much heat in the winter, not having much to eat, or mom drowning in depression, or whatever. If my classmates didn't want to clean, then I picked up the slack. If my boss yelled into my ears, after all what's an immigrant waiting on visa going to do, then I just stood there. If my drunk roommates acted out, then I just went over to a friend's home with my pillow. If the government takes away what little savings we have, then I hit the yard sale. I spent more time searching for baby stuff in yard sales than reading about child birth or even any kind of prenatal care. While friends posted their babymoon pictures, I wondered if my husband will be available while I'm in labor. If husband takes a bite of food I cook and pushes it away, then I ate it. For days. Leftover. Has been my life. But, I'm here because I want to design my life. Like the one room studio I designed while working for the law firm. Beautiful. Sensible. But, I know what the author means. And my answer is not a moment but rather since getting married.

"You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously." - I've heard this before, but, good Lord, how unfamiliar this sounds. I would like this to be how I view myself. Not a leftover life but a masterpiece. I asked God if He'd send me one person I can go through this season with. Someone who would be willing to rise up together all the while look at our mess honestly. Not just to say how messy it is but spur one another onto higher ground. Not the break-neck kind self-improvement but serene self-acceptance. I feel like a dried up raisin. But, Jesus says "abide in me" and that He is the Vine and I'm the branches. I want a life that is lush with beautiful and fragrant fruit. One of the professors from the seminary once told me to fight the temptation of starting all over again. If I find myself off the track, just go back to the nearest track and go up from there. Man, Harvard people are smart! But, seriously, often times I'm paralyzed because I want a change but starting over seems so daunting. Like the feeling when my mom used to scream at me that I needed to clean the entire living room again after I cleaned the whole room on my knees with a wet towel because unbeknownst to me some garbage water dripped while I took out the garbage. Thank God, my Heavenly Father isn't crazy, paranoid nor boils with anger. The enemy wants me to think He is just like my parents - of course, He wants the best for you but He doesn't really care about your heart - the love, affection and pure joy a child wants to see in their parents. But, I disagree with the little devil.

I've lived void of love for so long, in a way it's easy to give up on it from people. But, God is different. As much as I'm thirsty, my soul is even thirstier for living water. Bible is a magical well and I love letting the stream of living water flow out onto me. Why do I not come to this well often?

For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them. Ephesians 2:10

The Lord will fulfill his purpose for me;
   your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.
   Do not forsake the work of your hands. Psalm 138:8

I remember the days of old;
   I meditate on all that you have done;
   I ponder the work of your hands. Psalm 143:5


The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly. John 10:10

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. And to every beast of the earth and to every bird of the heavens and to everything that creeps on the earth, everything that has the breath of life, I have given every green plant for food.” And it was so. And God saw everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good. And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day. Genesis 1:27-31

Three uniquely beautiful things about the girl in me? I’m not sure what beauty I see in me now. And I’m not sure if this is all that unique but when I think of the child who had to be alone and be strong...
JH always wanted to care for others who were bullied, teased, excluded, weak, sad, alone.
JH wants to live a life to the fullest, beautiful and good, in the way God specifically desires for her.
JH wants to be love. When she goes to heaven, she wants those who know her to celebrate her life truly lived out for christ's love and remember her by love.

I would like this precious child to be acknowledged, embraced and cheered on. I want to see her grow beautifully, living life with a sense of peace and mastery.

"God is not interested in making me better."
Nadia Bolz-Weber, a pastor I just found out about, sadly preached her last: http://content.blubrry.com/hfass/20180624_Nadia_final.mp3
http://content.blubrry.com/hfass/20180624_Nadia_final.mp3