Ch 2. You are Okay

"Where you are today is not where you have to be forever." - This would have been helpful throughout many challenging times in life. In fact, the times I'm able to remember this truth on my own is when I can persevere with joy not just miserably surviving. Having a child makes this truth more relevant than ever. Also, seeing a child grow daily reminds me this truth unfolds continuously.

Ugly cry... I used to cry a lot in the beginning of marriage. Then I stopped crying because I learned to live on my own. And when I became a mom, having a joy for my child's sake became a willful claim over my life that has been robbed of love from those who are supposed to love. I decided I really need to stop giving a f*** what ignorant narcissists want to have a claim over me. So, her "losing it" didn't cause me to cry but to my disappointment, it ruined the start of a new year. I've avoided such episode for many years. I can't remember exactly when but last time I remember telling her "I won't do anything that makes you sad" was in my early 20s. So, I've managed well I guess but in my sleep deprived exhausted self, I forgot to keep my mouth shut and let her have it. Tiny part of me wishes she'd finally say something to the effect of "ok, I guess I need to change." So, this to me is worse than ugly cry.

It's pretty clear to me both families have curses over them. I feel it every day. Feeling normal is something I have to deliberately choose with great amount of concentration and gigantic will. I'd love to cut them off both. But, I know that's not what Jesus wants. I didn't choose the 1st one. The 2nd one I feel tricked into. But, in any case, i know choosing love and courage is the best way to be secure. So, I refused to be buried under the curse. As I prayed over again, this is new generation. I expect great things from my own life and my child's no matter how chained up I feel. I pray for my clients that Jesus has already won the victory and now we must claim it. If God can do it for them, He can do it for me.

So, I really want to know - Are there people who have no darkness? When I was serving as a spiritual director at my previous church, I met with a Caucasian woman who said she had no difficulties in her life what so ever. Seriously that was the 1st time I ever met someone without any trouble in life. She said she is from good Christian family, her husband is loving, she loves her church and yeah her sister-in-law was living with her (who by the way I knew and was pretty cool gal) with a clear timeline her husband set forth. So, all was wonderful even the boundary setting a lot of husbands have a hard time with. When I had genuine curiosity if she ever felt any difficulties in life, the pastor who was with me, a young Caucasian guy, kind of looked at me like "hey we are not like you Koreans with all the mess." But, I beg to differ. Maybe I just want to believe everyone has some misery in their life just because my life has been so darn hard. But, no seriously I don't think anyone who has some consciousness can live without any darkness in life. Even if it's not their own suffering, we are surrounded by so much suffering of others. Who can be completely blind to that? And honestly without darkness, light will never shine. So, the flip side of all the sh** I don't want in life is a long list of what's right in my life. My child is healthy and sleeping in his crib. He has a good father. I have a peaceful place to call home, which I never had growing up. Now I don't have to sleep half frozen. I don't go to bed hungry any more. And recently God answered my prayer for a friend in my town! Jesus, yes, let's not forget Him. He frustrates me sometimes, but overall, He is pretty nice. There are a lot of lies, habitual beliefs, that get in the way but I choose to remind myself - Jesus cares for me. He loves me. He likes me.

Today's sermon somehow really liberated me and also inspired me. It's not a new message but Jesus was speaking to me. That He doesn't need me to clean up and get better. He wants me to be sown in the soil - be plugged into my church community. He wants me to be just myself, a vulnerable sheep, but just one with a good shepherd. I knew this but I forgot. I lived this before but I've been so far from such reality I got scared of how to do it again. And the lady who hated her father and was given the grace to love him one-sided? That's the power of the gospel. Since Wednesday I've been dealing with constant anxiety. I haven't felt this bad in a long time and I felt defeated and also was frustrated by gospel's power not being evident in my life. Well, if I'm trying to live out gospel on my own, it will never work. I need to be rooted in the soil and in the midst of my herd. God had given me earlier this year "I will sow her for myself in the land" Hosea 2:23 and I have wondered what that means. At least one interpretation seems clear. I need to let God sow me where He wants.

Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called and about which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses. Timothy 6:12
For his anger is but for a moment, and his favor is for a lifetime.
Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning. Psalm 30:5
For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison 2 Corinthians 4:17
For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. Romans 8:18
In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, 7 so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. 1 Peter 1:6-7
But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. “The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.” Lamentations 3:21-24
When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Psalm 34:17-18
I waited patiently for the Lord;he inclined to me and heard my cry.
2 He drew me up from the pit of destruction, out of the miry bog,
and set my feet upon a rock, making my steps secure.
3 He put a new song in my mouth, a song of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear, and put their trust in the Lord. Psalm 40:1-3