Chapter 1: She's Still There

I am excited to begin this journey of rediscovering who God created me to be. I think since I got married I have slowly lost my deep sense of purpose. Although I love the work I do and believe it is my calling I wonder if I had not gotten married, where would I be? When I first met my husband I prayed to God and asked if he was the right partner for me. I questioned even more so because I wasn't sure spiritually if we were a good fit. I had dated a couple "Christian" and "godly" men but found that they could not accept my past or the decisions that I had made leading up to seminary. I had a couple rock-bottom moments in my life. I prayed for 40 days while dating Jae and constantly asked and journaled. And somehow, God kept affirming that yes, he is the one for me. I resisted and wanted find reasons that it would not work. But in the end, I knew that it was divine intervention.

But fast forward 10 years and I sit here and question this... because before we got married, I was full of passion. Passion for justice and service for the underprivileged. I had never been closer to Christ and had a beautiful spiritual community. I could serve in the Church when I pleased and I felt alive for the first time in my life. Marriage has been difficult. Having children have been difficult. And somewhere along the way, I feel like I have lost a sense of my self.

Your story resonates in me so deeply.
If you found acceptance in him who knows your past and decisions, it is priceless.
I wonder in what ways God affirmed you. And I wonder how He is doing so now.
I wonder if we are to learn to live the life God has given us along with our husbands, rather than pursue the ideal life we envisioned alone. In His infinite wisdom and goodness, this life will be far better than what we could have ever imagined even though we suffer now. I trust He has woven each of us with our spouses and all of us into a community, albeit small and maybe still in the making. All of us with quite different yet similar backgrounds, maybe vastly opposite choices but perhaps made for the same reasons, somehow crossed our paths. I have to say the 4th of July hangout was the best time I've had as a married person! You are a blessing, Stacy. And so is J and your beautiful girls!!!